i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
