She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
