You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
