the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
