Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
