my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
