i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
