you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
