Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
