my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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