I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
