Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
