I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
