I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dicks are not precious.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
