The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
