I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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