Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
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If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket