I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
