I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
