I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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