I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
