I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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