found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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