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How'd it feel making her break her religion?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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