God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
