Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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