you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
