My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
