I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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