dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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