chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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