your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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