i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
