I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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