I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
