My underwear smells like fireworks.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
