So drunk its hurt
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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