she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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