Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
