she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
