At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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