it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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