I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
