In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
