I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
