i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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