i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
