i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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