Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
