im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
