Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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