Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Farmville is her only friend.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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