Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so much tequila, so little girl.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
