why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
