My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
