Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm always down for nudity.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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