Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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