My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
