This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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